Aiming high

Looking back in my life and past failures, i get angry and the more pissed off i get the more depress i feel about myself. Almost 21 and still feeling like a failure in everything i do!

Having a controlling selfish boyfriend who made me extremely self conscious and misleading other girls behind my back at 15 to constant jerks looking just for casual fun, getting extremely bored of the same cycle. Turning the page and finally channeling my inner desire to be happy, i won’t be… Hoping not to repeat my past mistakes of me pursuing the guy. For years, since i was 12-13 i was ALWAYS the the desperate one making the move by walking up to the guy and asking them out and so on and so forth.

I’m a girl! I shouldn’t be acting like the one with balls. I know some guys enjoy and like to see the girl coming up to them for a change but i’m putting my foot down and wanting to give it a break and wait for the guy to be the pursuing me and making the move. Grow some balls and be the man your suppose to be!

I think i’m ready to commit in a relationship?… Thing is i’m scared and not sure whether i just want someone to listen to me and feel like i’m being protected by them or just fantasise the thought because of movies and books?

From my post – guy number 10, even though i spent the night with him once and haven’t seen him since because i’m half way across the world. I don’t know but a part of me kind of wants to get to know him more and i somehow think he’d be a good ‘potential’ boyfriend? There’s something about him that makes me think otherwise, maybe it’s because he didn’t judge me when i confided in him? And he constantly knows how to make me happy without trying by surprise messaging me on time to time?

Scared to find out where this friendship will take me on my return but i’ll see what will happen, i just don’t want to put my hopes to high and the reason for not wanting to find out for myself is because i don’t want to get hurt again.

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