Sexually frustrated

I must be going crazy or I must simply just be a perve! For years now all I’ve been thinking is sex! Every guy I lay my eyes on, my first thoughts are sexual and then I’m checking him out with my eyes gazing down to his package. When I’m bored, working, studying, dreaming or eating all I think about is sex. My imagination is like a free porn site seen just for my imagination only. It has gone to such a point where I am EXTREMELY sexually frustrated, I feel like an uptight bitch on the verge of pulling every hair on my head because i’m not satisfied and I know something is missing; I can feel it but not exactly sure what it is I’m really looking for.

No one has ever gotten under my skin as much as this 30 year old lawyer I’ve met last year and just recently saw two weeks ago, I thought I’d gotten over the fact he was such a dick the first time but oh boy was I wrong. And now because of him I’m feeling even more frustrated.

10 MONTHS AGO:

Let’s time travel to have a clearer picture, the night I met with Hugo boss guy at the bar was the same night I met with this sophisticated young Englishman lawyer, I approached him since he was technically sitting infront of me and in our “circle”. I asked if he was a model, his response was no I’m a lawyer and instantly I “awed” in disappointment and we both began laughing and he left but came back 5mins later to ask to look after his drink and that was when I verbally complimented on his looks and got his digits the next second. The next morning feeling a little hangover he messaged me to go out for lunch, wanting to back out because he was MUCH older than I, 29 while I was 19, a few weeks shy to my 20th.  The whole lunch I felt intimidated by him, he was smart, handsome, well educated and well dressed. When I think of it now, he somehow reminds me a little bit of Christian Grey from that ridiculous book from 50 shades of grey.

Anyways back to the point, few weeks later we met again for coffee during his lunch break and that evening I went to his while he cooked us spaghetti with spinach and fresh cut chilli. Rather than going home I stayed over… I don’t know why because the whole evening before agreeing I was saying I didn’t want him to kiss me or to try anything but then as usual rather than expressing myself I allowed him to kiss me (which was quite disappointing for my liking, maybe because I was nervous and didn’t want to kiss him in the first place?). Contradicting myself I say I’m shy and not experienced but the next minute walking to his room I’m ripping off my clothes like it’s on fire and did the same to his pj bottom’s and crawled into bed. We didn’t have sex that night because he didn’t have any condoms with him but OMG I never begged in my whole entire life! I was so turned on by him, he was controlling and mesmerised by my downstairs he complimented by saying it was tight… I don’t know whether to take it as a compliment or feel embarrassed by that comment?

Next morning was the end of mr charming! Never heard from him or saw him, I was gutted and disappointed and felt feeling unfinished. He had left me powerless and i was so disgusted with myself that I deleted his number and facebook and went to have my two one night stands for the first time before leaving to back to Perth than going through the whole std drama.

Who knew that 3months later he’d add me again! And secretly stalk me and liking all my pictures between the time he added me in March till my recent return back to London.

PRESENT:

The moment I set foot in London and got home to update my status, he instantly commented to ask to have coffee. The following week almost everyday he’d find a way to organise something but I’d make an excuse that’d I’d be at the office interning and that my lunch hours weren’t flexible enough and to pressed in time to commute by train to see him for lunch than rush back. Eventually almost two weeks later from my arrival he organised to come all the way to my area on a weeknight. He arrived early and was fiddling on his phone when I surprised him; my underwear felt a little damp the moment I laid eyes. I was still angry with him! Didn’t want to show him thought and kind of kept giving him the cold shoulder and awkwardly looking away. Damn he still managed to make me feel vulnerable and making me fidget in my seat, his eyes always burning into my skin (catching him checking me out and pepping down my chest as well as holding my gaze for 2 minutes but felt like a life time).

Going to the next bar and taking a seat, he stands while I underdress myself with the winter coat and scarf and I ask him to sit rather than waiting on me but instead he asks me for a hug which in a way felt awkward but did anyways. He held me gently and longingly, smelling my hair and his breathe just on my neck. His cologne in my nose it’s so distinctive and alluring that I can’t control the feelings rekindling itself feeling it in my veins. Knowing I like to apply lip balm he handed me his to apply on mine and did the same after me, as though we’d kissed. As usual he kept talking like the last time, planning all these events and lunch gatherings to do in the next few days and weeks to come, not putting my hopes up because I was left hanging the last time I just “hm mhed” back. Waiting for a taxi he hugged me again, this time really smelling my hair and holding my lower back, I patted his back and smelled his neck which was inches from his jaw bone.
Any second and I think we would have locked lips but our trance had been burst when we heard “David!” and broke away from each other. Embarrassed I turn to see who the voice came from and it was a man who seemed to know who he was because they both shook hands and talked for a while. The next morning at the office I’d emailed him, I couldn’t stop thinking of the night before and was secretly looking forward to seeing him again in two later at the gym for a swimming and sauna session before his weekend departure for Denmark. The night before he’d asked whether I’d miss him during the time and I said it was inappropriate for me to reply that and I couldn’t answer it. The night we were suppose to meet I was already at the gym doing back to back classes with body combat and pump than changing for the pool. It was 8.20, couple of laps later, 8.30… Still no show, maybe he’s changing? 8.45, nothing and growing annoyed and frustrated, by 8.50 I walked out to take a shower.
The time I left the gym and walked home it was 9.30 and still no phone call or text message from him! I got ultimately pissed off that I just couldn’t be bothered feeling sorry or angry with myself. No respond from him all day but the moment I update my status that’s when he likes it!? Everyday since my return he’d stalked my wall but what I don’t understand is why would he bother chasing me to check up on me when he has a girlfriend of 5months and was flying away with her for the weekend?  It’s now been two weeks since I last saw or heard from him and I decided to delete him again because every time I thought of him I’d go anal and going extremely angry and start building this negative energy which no one has ever managed to do other than my dad or brother.

Maybe the reason he manages to get under my skin is because I psychologically know I can’t get him and can never experience the full sex, so instead left to imagine how it’d be like. Everyday though I secretly wish he’d message me though and everyday think of the craziest sex I could think of with him but instead he can do that to his 23 year old Sri Lankan girlfriend who has the biggest teeth I’ve ever seen (I’m not mean or jealous just pointing a fact, instead I say well done for managing to get a very good catch which is every girls dream to have this mr charming who seems perfect and eye candy).

About womensdiary

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One comment

  1. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Put out on the first, second or third date and there’s no way in hell a guy will respect you and stick around, other than giving you another crack when he’s horny and he knows you provide easy access to sex, whether that’s 3 nights or 3 months later. 3rdmilleniummen.wordpress.com/2012/11/11/manosphere-advice-for-women-on-how-to-keep-a-man-or-how-not-to-get-pumped-and-dumped

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