Why do i keep doing this to myself? Over and over again i make the stupidest mistakes ever, mainly because i’m upset and i want to do something that will keep my mind distracted for that time but eventually regret it later. This week seems to have hit record high!
1 – Over the weekend, a friend who i am NOT interested in anyway messaged me wanting to know if i saw him in a ‘friend’ way or ‘more than friends’. I had to write back that the answer he was looking for was going to be disappointing as i only saw him as a friend and don’t go for relationships what so ever as i seem to fuck it up on the slightest interest.
2 – After my last exam, i had received a text from some guy (also not interested and NOT my type!) who wanted to hang out, me as the innocent and naive type see as his dinner plan as a friendly way, because we talked about personal stuff which he started the conversation. He kept asking me about sexual questions, which for 1 a person on a date would NEVER do! I ended up having to pay my share and he had the nerve to kiss me at the end of the night. It is also my fault for not telling him ‘no’ for the kiss, he asked before if he could and i awkwardly said not right now, because it was the only answer i could come up with and next thing you know in less than 5mins he throws himself at me and kisses me and i stiffen up waiting for the kiss to be over. Since that night i have been ignoring him because i am to embarrassed with myself that i had literally down grated myself.
3 – After the text from that date guy, the dj messaged me at the exact same time arranging our next booty call. I literally lost so much interest that i ended up lying to him that i had my period the day before we were suppose to hang out. Saturday night at the club he spins and which i have become a regular i didn’t expect him to show up because my friend had seen him working at another club we go before that one. But to my surprise he rocks up on the dance floor metres away from me and starts talking to a group of girls while i’m busy dancing with my friends but at the same time trying to dance behind a friend so he didn’t see me. I wasn’t jealous for one second, instead i was extremely turned on when i looked at him, he looked so god damn attractive, especially with the new hair cut he had and from the rain he looked more like a man than a young boy. The next morning i messaged him to come over since the flat was going to be empty, i was nervous yet excited because i wanted to try out a few things which i never really did with him and wanted to go for a few hours rather than 5minutes! When he came he was full on with the idea but than when round one had finished we had dressed ourselves again and next thing you know he says he wasn’t feeling it and was tired from the long hours from work. Second time he has done this to me and both times lasted less than 10minutes, right now i am unsatisfied and feeling depressed like i ALWAYS do after sex. When he left i wanted to cry because i don’t want to be the type to be fucked over anymore, i am tired of having to look after people and pleasing them without any in return.
4 – A week after deleting the guy i have a crush on from facebook and mobile number he had randomly messaged me asking why i had deleted him off Facebook and why i was being horrible out of a sudden because my responses were pretty rude and cold. Instead of leaving it as it was i messaged the next day apologizing and trying to make it up to him over coffee for sunday. When i was at the club i had messaged him saying i was cancelling because the more i thought about it the more it made me think that this ‘friendship’ was going to go nowhere and that he would keep misleading me. I didn’t see the point in going through all that and giving him the pleasure of having a double life as well as allowing him to have a private flirtatious session with me. It isn’t right and isn’t fare! Who am i kidding, calling him as though he’s my boyfriend!? And like a fucking idiot i try to call him after my melt down when the dj left but he didn’t answer. Who am i kidding calling him as though he’s my boyfriend!?
While chit chatting to my girlfriends on saturday before the clubbing session, we were discussing sex and i listened to the girls grading the guys out of 10. I had to awkwardly listen and sit there plastering a fake smile pretending to understand what they were saying but actually wanting to jump off a bridge because i am embarrassed to tell them that i have shit sex and have never orgasmed in my life. What really pisses me off is that every friends of mine compliment me on how ‘gorgeous, beautiful, attractive, hot’ blablabla you name it, can’t get a boyfriend? Well sorry to bust your pretty innocent bubble, men are only around to try and get into my pants and get the hell out.
For once i want to find a gentleman who can care for me and look after me! My friend scored a gentleman that exact same night we went out and the next morning she had told me they did not have sex like she had told him before behind to his. They had kept to their word and ended up talking and kissing the whole evening and morning after, he had also paid for her cab fare back home. To me this sounds like a scene from the movie ‘Crazy, stupid, love’! Never ever would have thought a guy like that would exist… Clearly he does but where the hell is he? I know you aren’t meant to go looking for love because the whole concept of falling in love is that it isn’t something you go looking for, that is why it is called falling in love, it just happens whether you like it or not. It’s hard not having a friend you can always turn to and just ball your eyes out, i feel alone and have no proper ‘person’ to turn to when things get hard.
I know i am a very headed, independent person but it’d be nice to have a ‘person’ you can turn to to talk when things get hard, get the affection you lack, forgetting the problems you have and just smile and laugh.