I’ve always wanted to do some therapy sessions but i always thought it’d be in another few years down the line after uni and moving out of Australia. Recently though,http://3rdmilleniummen.wordpress.com encouraged me to research counselling that my uni catered.
A few days ago i contacted the counselling department and they had asked me to come in for a 10-15minute triage session. While i was waiting in reception all i wanted to do was walk out and not go back but at the back of my mind i knew it was best being heard from a specialist. During my hours wait, i composed myself normally, slowly though as the minutes kept ticking my nerves started to go a little over board. I didn’t know what was expected during the triage session, i told myself since the moment i woke up this morning to not cry and to be able to hold my emotions together.
Eventually it was my turn, heart pounding, hands sweating and my mind racing. I sit down and look across Paul, he takes out a notepad and asks why i came in today. First thing i said was because of family issues and my passionate hatred towards my dad’s family. I kept opening up, blabbering away and explaining my emotional melt down.
The second i started to elaborate to Paul, i instantly started chocking my words out and blurred vision from tears streaming out of my eyes. I tried holding back the tears but it just kept running and smudging my mascara.
The reason for my hatred towards my family in France is because we never got along with them in a respectable level. The next was i couldn’t have a father-daughter relationship with my dad and it kills me because i can never open up to him as he would automatically shut me off and ask me to move forward rather than having an emotional break down. Knowing that this relationship with my dad is unhealthy, i admitted for not wanting this sort of relationship as it affects me with other forms of relationships. For my aunt who recently stole my dog when my dad brought the dog to France without my consent when we left Greece to move to Australia to be looked after. I knew the day would come for a world war to start when it came to taking her back from them. When i went back in December the family had not acknowledged me nor wanted me to acknowledge the dog, those 10 days in France were the worst, breaking the family apart and constantly crying. What completely emotionally destroyed me was seeing my dad side my aunt rather than me OVER a little dog! And eventually talking about the trauma with my cousin. I told him my family don’t know about the incident and i blame myself for what had happened 10years ago. Also scared that if i told the truth they’d not listen to me and believe me and they’d go abandoning me because i’m breaking the family apart. The therapist apologised and wanted to know how it affected me when it came to relationships?
I responded by saying it was the little things that would make me go crazy e.g when my brother annoys me and invades my private space and is always in my face and constantly touching me (hugging, touching my feet and massaging them). Or the time, i was leaning on the kitchen counter, my uncle walked past me to throw something in the bin, i thought he was going to touch me. A flood of emotions came back, i continued explaining that i tend to push people away and ruin any possible ‘relationship’. Feeling my soul jump out of my skin and feeling a cold breeze going down my spine.
The session ended pretty quickly, i continued looking down at the tissue Paul handed me in the beginning of the session and avoiding eye contact with him. He suggested a couple of options to see other therapist in Perth but would need to wait 3-4weeks (the same waiting period with my uni). I told him that i was going to be going back to London from beginning November till the end of February, before the new semester started. He said he could try fitting me in for a couple of session’s before heading off for the holidays but i said i didn’t know how i would emotionally cope. So we both came to a conclusion in putting the session’s on hold till my return.
Walking out of the counselling department i resumed to my classes and busied myself for an in class presentation. It wasn’t till i reached home, feeling the dry tears across my cheeks, processing my session and opening the gates to those raw emotions. I wanted to lie in bed to continue my crying session, i didn’t want to show that side to my brother so i kept distracting myself. It feels like i’ve been crying for what feels like hours. The whole afternoon till now, my emotions have been playing up like a yoyo, one minute i’m fine – able to control it and the next it feels like my insides – mainly heart is breaking and my eyes start to tear a little. When my mom called and talking about my dad, i had this sudden anger and hatred towards him and both my mom and brother kept telling me to stop being rude. They obviously don’t know that by opening my emotions towards Paul, i see him and his family as my number 1 enemy.
I’m hoping to be able to persevere through this but right now all i want to do is sit in a corner. Feeling like the end of the world or seeing myself continue to fall in a black hole, with no one to catch me.