Over the weekend i went out clubbing with a couple of friends and we went to our usual gay friendly clubs, had a good time and danced alot. The second club we went was where the dj worked, i didn’t know he was working that evening but was hoping he was. He did! Like any normal person would do is be polite right? Wrong!!!! I was knocked off my feet and felt like the biggest idiot on the planet of the earth. I walked up to him just to say hello and his response was “i’m busy right now i can’t talk”, OK… WTF! So i walked off and continued dancing with my friends and socialise around the bar.
The next day, thinking back on the evening i couldn’t help but feel embarrassed and stupid! Feeling like a pest, i was on a never ending “what happened, what if? maybe its because of this? what do you think?” faze towards my friends. Hating how this feeling of lack of control and obssession (this is why i NEVER show interest to guys or bother with relationships because this side of me comes out and i loose are sense of power/control). Feeling more confused from the rejection mixed with guilt, a friend of mine told me that while we were dancing the dj kept looking my way… But for all you know he was just looking, nothing meaningful to the whole scenario and perhaps he was looking because i was maybe dancing in front of his dj booth? I didn’t go to dance there intentionally, it just happened.
So anyways, the reason as to why i feel guilty is because everytime a guy shows some sort of interest towards me and tries to get to know me. Immediately i start to focus on the ‘wrong’ in them rather than getting to know them and seeing the good. And when i’m with them, i always do this, physically i’m there but mentally i’m actually vacant and not paying attention. Instead i’m thinking of the next guy, my ‘potential/ideal’ person who seems to not exist! Not even talking about myself, i show myself as uninteresting and boring to get them out of my life. Obviously, realising the mistake of doing that, the opportunity is already long gone and i’m back to square one… AGAIN!
During the past 10weeks of the semester, i’ve been fantasizing about this guy in my class and pictured him as my ideal boyfriend. During the time i got to be with the dj i was pushing him away because he wasn’t the guy from my class, eventually i found the ‘ideal’ person was in a relationship and my heart just broke. Because i realised i had fucked up BIG time! All this because of being picky and wanting a ‘model’ looking boyfriend who is like a prince charming. For years i’ve done this countless of times, and over and over again i always realise it isn’t the healthy approach to use, my mind is to narrow minded and to set on this perfect none existent person. For all you know my ideal guy could have crossed my way but i pushed him away without a second glance.
I just wished i had a do-over with him! He was sweet, kind and thoughtful… Abit of a dick. But that’s always the case with the guys i pick! I always go back for the one’s that are not good for me. I admit that the reason i pushed him away was because of his age, i couldn’t wrap the thought around my head that he was 7 months younger than me, weeks to graduating from uni, bought his own car and can manage uni with work! He intimidated the hell out of me, because he’d achieve so much in a short period of time and all i’ve been doing is sitting around doing nothing, just hoping to be able to pass each semester without any problems.
How i move on is a little different, i always put myself in their positions and ask myself “if i was being screwed over/ignored, what would i do? And what should i do in order to avoid the whole what if’s?” I don’t like conflicts or misunderstandings, in order for me to fully move on without the heavy suite case i like to lay down the cards and be direct and honest. Even though i’ve been fucked over COUNTLESS of times, i’m honest as hell! I listen to my gut, always have and always will. Even though everyone’s telling me to ignore him and just move on i feel like i haven’t really given him a piece of my mind as to why i acted the way i did and be able to know where i’m coming from. Not have a go at him or anything but just say something. The last time i did that to the lawyer guy, i felt so much better and so relieved that everything was out in the open that i managed to let go and move on.
If i had not over critised and analysed the bad, maybe the whole approach would have been different? I also think the reason why it ended so abruptly was because we had rushed into the physical side with sex. **Note to self! Give people a chance!** And don’t rush into things, because you will get burnt.