Giving up

I’m not the type who enjoys touching myself down below, the reason i try is so i can try and find out the best techniques i enjoy. Sadly it feels like nothing! No satisfaction, no pleasure and definitely no orgasm. Giving up using my hands i went to purchase a vibrator which received good reviews on the internet, when ever i use it… I feel a little bit of pleasure but then when it gets me all tingly i suddenly lose that feeling. Opening my eyes and looking to see what’s below me, my mind thinking i’d be seeing a figure in the shadows watching, automatically think it’s my cousin.

I already admit for having an over active train of thought during sex, my brain will not and does not want to shut it’s self off to enjoy the ride. Instead i’m thinking when he’ll come, what i’ll be doing the next day, my number increasing and being somewhat of a slut. I guess i’m to blame rather than the guys, because my intentions are only to use them for an orgasm, and when i don’t get what i want, i toss them out of my life and never speak to them again.

Each year my standards increase and each time i become more and more difficult to please. I admit, i’m sick and tired of being ‘fucked’ during sex and over the fact that the guy goes in for a few minutes and he’s finish while i lay there starring like a blank doll thinking ‘what? you barely begun!’ – ‘vagina’s going to hurt in the morning! thank you.’

I must be the only person in the planet to hate sex and not find any pleasure out of it? Always thinking of the worst such as falling pregnant, burst condom, catching another std and aids! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! All i’m wanting is to be satisfied for a few minutes and move on with my life. I’m not asking for marriage!

Continuing on giving up, knowing i’m still young, i’m already saying that i’m giving up on relationship/love/orgasm and sex because in this modern day and age, no man wants to settle down… Unless your someone that’s not my type. I’m to ‘anal’, for a fact the reason why guys loose interest after realizing the pretty face is boring is quite common. Failure with everything i touch! From growing mentally distressed, struggling with studies, failing to be happy and failing to having someone have feelings for me rather than lust to messing up with my head. Screw therapy, it’s far to expensive, $180 an hour…. Where’s the cash coming from?

I don’t trust anyone, can’t trust my own dad, family, friends, people on the internet, guys and lastly MYSELF – I am my worst known enemy. When the abuse 10 years ago first happened, i remember not being able to sleep at night and being able to close my eyes because when i did the scene that incident played back over and over like a broken record. Never being able to shake off the recollection i used to feel sick and dirty, eventually developing this over compulsive disorder for over washing my hands and downstairs. Reason for this is because psychologically i’m trying to forget the event by washing away the sins.

By that i developed a bad habit in receiving affection, when people surprisingly touch me, it feels like my body shivers and my soul jumps out of my skin. Also hating when people tell me what to do as that was the reason i got abused in the first place by being to trusting and naive. When someone dictates me or tells me what to do, this sudden anger builds up in my gut and i fire back like this mad psychotic woman (Like a fire cracker my mom calls me fighter cock). I keep all my emotions to myself till i can’t handle the pressure and start hurting the people close to me, till eventually hysterically crying to myself. A burden i’d have to carry with me till my grave. Even then, being optimistic, i used to say to myself, over the years, the pain and memory will fade away and i’ll forget this. As ‘normal’ as my life seems to be right now, when the small things happen or dramatize itself with confrontations that’s when i feel like someone hit me across the face with a bat and a truck running over me, the flood of emotion that i dread comes rushing back in and i’m having to run away from it to better control my emotions again and to control my breathing.

I feel alone, useless, abused and weak! All i’m wanting for once is to be happy, inside and out. Have someone that can see the broken pieces and put them back together without judgement or questions. Look into my eyes without the hunger for lusting another pretty girl but to stare sincerely and say nice things when i need a boost. But mainly be there by my side when things get to hectic.

Maybe i’m in the wrong place at the wrong time? I guess the only thing to do is to wait and be patient…. Then again, i don’t need a man, though it might be nice for once. After all the complaining i contradict myself as always. I guess, i just want to be satisfied with my life and be able to achieve something in my life that i can be proud of, without regret.

About womensdiary

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2 comments

  1. “I feel alone, useless, abused and weak!” — I may be a guy, but I know how this feels. Can’t (& don’t want to) tell you what to do, but surely would like to do a little more than just listen (guys are like that). So… what helped me is putting my past (abuse) behind me, giving up on that search (for others & their approval), quit trying to please or impress others, and taking time to sit still… to listen to my heart… to just be… then I found that much of who I had become was because others expected it… and I shed that… now I am – well, content I guess is a good word.
    HTH a little…

  2. malinkasstudio

    Hello, I found your blog recently and I really like it, this is why I have nominated you for the Sensual Blogging Award, you can find more details here: http://malinkasstudio.wordpress.com/2012/09/26/sensual-blogging-award/

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