What i want

Ever since i can remember, my job was to look after those i cared for, perhaps its an asian thing that i picked up from my mom’s side or a european thing from my dad’s side? From my brother, parents and guys who’ve come and gone, i never had time to think for myself and have someone returning the favour. I would always bend my back backwards to make sure everyone’s happy. I have to literally babysit both my brother and dad with all the cooking, cleaning, staying by their side to show moral support or else i’d be given the lecture of not caring, and lastly acting the perfect way they want me to behave.

Because of my dad’s career and being dragged along, i’ve never had the chance to grow up like a normal person. Being thought how to be an adult at a young age was quite challenging, acting the way people expect from you is even harder! All this is based from reputation, if i missed behaved it’d affect my dad’s reputation as well as mine. What ever i do is always wrong but when my brother does it he gets respect from it. If i complain and begin to cry, i’m asked to wipe my tears and to toughen up rather than to show weakness and never to talk about it.

Naive, this is how i was taken advantage of over 10years ago by one of my elder cousins! Since then i don’t respect men as i should normally have. Though i keep hoping to change that mentality, for now it seems to be getting worst. I believe in fate and whenever there’s an obstacle ahead with some dick head i encounter, it always ends badly. So i say to myself “it’s ok it wasn’t meant to be, the next time it’ll be better”.

How many times am i going to have to repeat this prayer in my head? A combination of daddy issues, lack of self esteem and the fact i was molested at 10 doesn’t seem to be the way a normal person should be fighting their demons to. Many of my friends and family think when i complain, i’m desperate for a boyfriend, but what they don’t know is that i’m actually looking for a missing piece which is just someone to give me the attention i need! For once, i don’t want to think and no bad coming from it. Look after me, RESPECT me and lastly treat me like a human, because i care far to much – i may not show it but i over analyse things.

See me for who i am and not what i am, i do not tolerate sympathy and judgement. I don’t speak a lot about my issues about my cousin because no one understands the psychological damage it has done to me and how it’s like to carry such a burden. Those i’ve told have tried telling me to report on him, but why should i? It’s been far to long and so many people will get hurt, it’d separate the family which my dad has been keeping together for so many years.
The main people i don’t want to tell are my parents and brother, because i’m afraid they’d think i’m spreading lies and they’d end up walking away from me.

Reading the comment’s people have left me on this blog and from people in my life saying to be optimistic and that the guy for me will eventually come along, stop that bullshit! I know he will come, i just don’t know when and i’m not looking forward to what would feel like dooms day. Like i said, i’m so used to being fucked over, but i do want to change that pattern and be able to have a decent guy who’d make me happy and somewhat feel normal. But then again i contradict myself because recently, with the second semester of this year’s uni, i’ve been ‘brain fucking’ this guy who seems extremely gentle and charming. For over 8 weeks i’ve been trying everything from discreetly glancing over to wearing nice outfits to show my best features (obviously dressed in a tasteful manner, conservative style)… But nothing. I’ve recently finally spoken to him, but i guess after all this persuing i’ve lost sudden interest? Got a little to bored for me, i prefer when it’s the guy doing the chasing because it shows me they want me and it’s also quite dominating which is also a good thing because if it were me doing the chasing i’d not only loose interest but i’d just drop everything i’ve been focusing my mind to. Will see how things turn out with him, but i’m not putting any high hopes to it.

I can never make up my mind and because of this i mess things up with alot of guys! Reason for is because i feel like i’m being suffocated and just overwhelmed but also because i know they aren’t the one for me. You can always tell whether a person is compatible with you or not, and that is the feeling i get. I can never act myself around them nor be able to relax! As hard as it is for me to admit out loud is that i do want someone to ‘love’ me, because i’ve never felt this feeling before and because my life is just so messed up it just seems nice to have someone catching you for once and looking after you rather than running away from the problem? Therapy is the best sollution for me, but sadly it is to costly for the moment. Also the reason why i dont want to go to some professional shrink is because they’d look at me differently, and not solve the problem, instead just listen to what i have to say and make me solve the problem my self! Why pay all this money to make someone listen? I’ve already told a few people and all they told me was ‘Aww you poor thing! How do you feel now? Go tell your parents for closure and put the guy in prison!’… That won’t solve the situation.

One day when the right guy comes along i might be ready to open my heart but for now, it isnt the right time and it isn’t meant to be. So what i’m going to do is busy myself with normal living life and learn how to make myself happy and to enjoy my personal space.

About womensdiary

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One comment

  1. How many times am i going to have to repeat this prayer in my head? A combination of daddy issues, lack of self esteem and the fact i was molested at 10 doesn’t seem to be the way a normal person should be fighting their demons to….

    I couldn’t have written that any better to describe myself and my life and my brain. It really sucks when our brains refuse to let us stop fighting the demons and learn to live at peace…

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