crisis

I seem to be going through a lot of frustration and anger, so i’m going to vent out because i’ll eventually feel better expressing myself, since i can’t do it to my own parents or brother, since there will always be a part of me that will keep them from the truth as to why i am always a sour bitch.

So while i rest and recuperate this nasty cough of mine i have nothing better to due other than think that i seem to be going through such a mid life crisis, and i haven’t lived properly! Just last week i experienced my first car accident, and it was MY fault, than i caught the flu from my sick family, and around this time exactly marks the 10year from the time my life had changed. Thinking about it RIGHT now makes it so much harder to write about it, instead it brings me back to that dark awful place and my hands begin to sweat. I don’t want people judging me once they hear this, because they will never believe me!!! That is why i choose to bare the burden and face the unhealthy lifestyle for the rest of my life.

Rewind a little before to understand why, don’t start blaming the period because it has nothing to do with it. I never used to be such a bitch, snappy rude and violent person, especially towards my parents. The older i get, the more i get pressured, so i take out my anger and frustration from not being able to deal with the burden i have been carrying in such a long time that i make sure to say the most horrible things to people close to me to feel hurt and start back away from me. I don’t like people starting getting comfortable around me! I don’t like people getting in my personal space and i DO NOT LIKE MEN doing any kind things, because all they are good and known for is taking advantage! I should know, it happened to me 10 YEARS AGO.

Yes people! I had been taken advantage by someone i used to really care about and used to think of him as a big brother, i also used to think of him as my favourite cousin. But now all this is different, i HATE him for taking away my innocence and childhood and way of life, all this because i was to naive. He is dead to me! As dead as a rotten corpse rotting in the ground. And for gods sakes he is now married and has a daughter with his new wife!!! What has the world come to? I pity the child and i haven’t met her nor do i want to acknowledge her.

 

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13 comments

  1. I’m sorry you went through that. Keep expressing yourself and lighten the load any way you feel you can. x

  2. truth003

    Well shit. Sounds like you’ve been mistreated. Yes, I’m a man, but I still feel bad for you. Most guys aren’t evil… Just stupid. Really, really stupid.

  3. That’s really interesting. Thanks for posting all the great information! Had never thought of it all that way before.

  4. The blog-o-sphere is great for venting. When you’re ready let it all out. That’s the only way you’ll begin to feel better.

  5. howtomeetwomeninla

    Ah, now things make more sense. Sending you some love!

  6. Pingback: Things you need to know « womensdiary

  7. Being exploited is no fun. No. Not at all.

    Much ❤ to you, Sweetie. MUCH. 💋

  8. writer_girl2723

    I too was sexually abused by a family member (my brother) when I was younger. I didn’t tell anyone until I was 18. Since then I was exactly like you to the point where I was living the unhealthy lifestyle. I’ve been with a LOT of guys but always trying to find a way out of the pain and trying to find a solid relationship. I haven’t found a solid relationship yet and it’s been 12 years, but I found a way out of the pain through a book I happened to just glance through. Completely changed my life. I know some people don’t like unsolicited advice, but if you’re interested in learning more, let me know.

    • Wow i’m sorry to hear that. I’m lucky that i NEVER see that jerk because he’s all the way in France while i’m in Australia. I’d like to know more from your experience.

  9. writer_girl2723

    It’s hard to explain how I got over things. Therapy at 15 didn’t help. My parents didn’t even know why they were sending me to therapy–they just figured I was more depressed than the typical teen. Hell, I didn’t even know where all the shittiness that was my life came from. I drifted in and out of going to church (was raised Catholic myself). Lost my virginity (if that’s what I could still call it after what went down when I was a kid) at 18 and never looked back to think ‘hey, why do I keep fucking all these guys expecting a relationship?’ The anonymity of WordPress allows me to tell you I am 30 and have been with more guys than I am old. I wasn’t a clear cut and dry definition of a nympho but pretty damn close for awhile. I was continually searching for some sign a guy could like me for more than just sex and through trial and error I found it and lost it all in one fell swoop. Heartbreak sucks but without that one real relationship that ripped me to pieces I never would have known love actually existed. I’m not sure exactly what you’d like to know so if you have specific questions feel free to ask. I recently wrote about my journey (albeit without the dark shit since some of my followers actually know me) in a cleaned up blog here: http://livelaughlovegrow.wordpress.com/2012/07/31/dont-mind-me-im-just-doing-the-walk-of-shame-to-freaking-redemption/.

  10. I know I’m a guy, but I truly feel for you.
    Only way I’ve managed to survive is to try to leave the past in the past. But remember enough to never go back there again.
    M

    • I agree with you 100%, it’s helped a lot, except for when ever a person’s interested in me, then i don’t know how to handle the pressure or whenever i’m in the same room as my cousin (which is rare and thankfully crowded by the whole family) i go quiet and feel sick to my stomach.

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