Lets cut to the chase, i haven’t really been fortunate when it comes to meeting guys and the whole relationship bullshit. Firstly i can’t experience great sex since i’ve given up the whole virginity 5 years ago and now i can’t find a partner or just someone who is interested in me?!
Come on give me a break already! I know i can be harsh and incredibly mean and judgemental towards those who are the opposite sex, (its true, my brother keeps wishing me good luck, actually more the guy who’ll end up marrying me one day), geez sorry if i’m to picky and set in my own ways but why should i change so drastically to please someone else, i won’t feel comfortable in my own skin afterwards.
Sick and tired to see all these celebrities breaking up and immediately jumping into a new relationship within seconds, people who are my age OR younger whom are engaged or pregnant, what has the world come to?
I might be sounding like a nag or not? But the reason i’m complaining is because when i see my aunts and uncle who unfortunately are divorced and can’t seem to find a partner after their 50s kind of scares me! Their attractive and have the nicest heart, it is quite scary to see that they 2 can’t seem to find someone in return to love them and spend the rest of their lives together. I know i still have a long way to go and don’t need to be rushing but at the same time i have never really been in a relationship! No one has ever pursued me in my life. I know i’m 20 but time seems to be slipping through my fingers and next thing you know your in your 30s, single, loveless and regretting missed chances. We’re already June! What have i been doing for the passed 6months of my 20s? The same exact thing i’ve been doing since i’ve arrived in Australia. Keep to myself all day from weekdays to weekends, i don’t socialise etc. The only date i have is with fictional characters i read or watch drama episodes through my laptop or even better a date with my assignments.
I guess it’s my fault aswell, i can’t blame the universe for a boring life that i seem to be going through. It’s just, honestly, i’m kind of fed up acting as though i don’t care about life and everything and everyone, it’s emotionally exhausting and frankly gets a little lonely. I’m not the “needy” type of person but i do admit a few PDA here and there and affection would be nice given OTHER than from your parents and brother. I admit i’m afraid of losing control falling head over heals over someone and ending up getting hurt, but this is the risk i’m willing to face cos inside the whole stubbornness is a hopeless romantic waiting to come out of the closet.
I don’t even know how the feeling is, i was so pathetic i even googled the terms (feeling stupid i’m face palming myself on the head!).
Thinking about all those guys that have come and gone in my life, i have never felt any attraction towards them what so ever, which meant they weren’t right for me. What i did to get rid of them was i used to ignore (deleted them) from my life without any explanation. And now from the scenario which happened to me during new years, i guess its karma and i’m getting a taste of my own medicine, i know how it’s like not getting a direct response from the other person. So i’ve decided to “try” and communicate and tell them straight rather than leading them on.
The reason for going all loveless and rambling about being pathetic lonely is because i can’t stop thinking of that “Hugo Boss” guy from London that i had the chance to meet days before new years, i told my mom, as scary as it sounded, especially to me who didn’t want to admit it said that if i kept seeing more of him i could see myself dangerously falling in love with him. I don’t know why, but there was something so hypnotising and attractive about his whole personality and life. He was beautifully handsome and so not what i normally go for (he was so out of my league!), his background was “dangerous” – he lived in a bad ass hood in south London which had gangs and the police always catching him and throwing him behind bars in the police station, smoked like there was no tomorrow, and he was born in the islam religion (though not practicing) he was definitely someone who i’d bring to meet the parents! I don’t know why, but through all that, i saw pain (as though i wanted to save him…) I wanted to be part of his life and change it, i wanted a change, he was strong and daring. He was the complete opposite from me! Maybe that is why i was so attracted to him. Though we both have strong family ties and both born to “wealthy” parents. I was born a catholic (though not practicing), raised quite conservative and well educated (i guess the sort of squeaky clean?) anyways, to me this seems like a story book that i’ve read haha called “perfect chemistry”.
Back to my bables, though we missed each others opportunities because of his childishness and mishappens from new years (i guess its best nothing serious happened but i can’t help but think “what if”, and till this day wish i could get an explanation and be able to see him again but i think if i did i’d run away and hide like a child!). I’m sure i’ll find someone who’ll love me in return, it’s just i’m afraid to allow them thats all, i want to experience the “love” that is so powerful it is painful to breathe and you can’t live without them, all you think of is making them happy and staying with them for the rest of your life. Somewhat like the “notebook” – that always makes me cry!