“Nada” with love

Lets cut to the chase, i haven’t really been fortunate when it comes to meeting guys and the whole relationship bullshit. Firstly i can’t experience great sex since i’ve given up the whole virginity 5 years ago and now i can’t find a partner or just someone who is interested in me?!

Come on give me a break already! I know i can be harsh and incredibly mean and judgemental towards those who are the opposite sex, (its true, my brother keeps wishing me good luck, actually more the guy who’ll end up marrying me one day), geez sorry if i’m to picky and set in my own ways but why should i change so drastically to please someone else, i won’t feel comfortable in my own skin afterwards.

Sick and tired to see all these celebrities breaking up and immediately jumping into a new relationship within seconds, people who are my age OR younger whom are engaged or pregnant, what has the world come to?

I might be sounding like a nag or not? But the reason i’m complaining is because when i see my aunts and uncle who unfortunately are divorced and can’t seem to find a partner after their 50s kind of scares me! Their attractive and have the nicest heart, it is quite scary to see that they 2 can’t seem to find someone in return to love them and spend the rest of their lives together. I know i still have a long way to go and don’t need to be rushing but at the same time i have never really been in a relationship! No one has ever pursued me in my life. I know i’m 20 but time seems to be slipping through my fingers and next thing you know your in your 30s, single, loveless and regretting missed chances. We’re already June! What have i been doing for the passed 6months of my 20s? The same exact thing i’ve been doing since i’ve arrived in Australia. Keep to myself all day from weekdays to weekends, i don’t socialise etc. The only date i have is with fictional characters i read or watch drama episodes through my laptop or even better a date with my assignments.

I guess it’s my fault aswell, i can’t blame the universe for a boring life that i seem to be going through. It’s just, honestly, i’m kind of fed up acting as though i don’t care about life and everything and everyone, it’s emotionally exhausting and frankly gets a little lonely. I’m not the “needy” type of person but i do admit a few PDA here and there and affection would be nice given OTHER than from your parents and brother. I admit i’m afraid of losing control falling head over heals over someone and ending up getting hurt, but this is the risk i’m willing to face cos inside the whole stubbornness is a hopeless romantic waiting to come out of the closet.

I don’t even know how the feeling is, i was so pathetic i even googled the terms (feeling stupid i’m face palming myself on the head!).

Thinking about all those guys that have come and gone in my life, i have never felt any attraction towards them what so ever, which meant they weren’t right for me. What i did to get rid of them was i used to ignore (deleted them) from my life without any explanation. And now from the scenario which happened to me during new years, i guess its karma and i’m getting a taste of my own medicine, i know how it’s like not getting a direct response from the other person. So i’ve decided to “try” and communicate and tell them straight rather than leading them on.

The reason for going all loveless and rambling about being pathetic lonely is because i can’t stop thinking of that “Hugo Boss” guy from London that i had the chance to meet days before new years, i told my mom, as scary as it sounded, especially to me who didn’t want to admit it said that if i kept seeing more of him i could see myself dangerously falling in love with him. I don’t know why, but there was something so hypnotising and attractive about his whole personality and life. He was beautifully handsome and so not what i normally go for (he was so out of my league!), his background was “dangerous” – he lived in a bad ass hood in south London which had gangs and the police always catching him and throwing him behind bars in the police station, smoked like there was no tomorrow, and he was born in the islam religion (though not practicing) he was definitely someone who i’d bring to meet the parents! I don’t know why, but through all that, i saw pain (as though i wanted to save him…) I wanted to be part of his life and change it, i wanted a change, he was strong and daring. He was the complete opposite from me! Maybe that is why i was so attracted to him. Though we both have strong family ties and both born to “wealthy” parents. I was born a catholic (though not practicing), raised quite conservative and well educated (i guess the sort of squeaky clean?) anyways, to me this seems like a story book that i’ve read haha called “perfect chemistry”.

Back to my bables, though we missed each others opportunities because of his childishness and mishappens from new years (i guess its best nothing serious happened but i can’t help but think “what if”, and till this day wish i could get an explanation and be able to see him again but i think if i did i’d run away and hide like a child!). I’m sure i’ll find someone who’ll love me in return, it’s just i’m afraid to allow them thats all, i want to experience the “love” that is so powerful it is painful to breathe and you can’t live without them, all you think of is making them happy and staying with them for the rest of your life. Somewhat like the “notebook” – that always makes me cry!

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8 comments

  1. Hun, why are you trying so hard? You’re young. You have time. And if you want to meet someone, go and volunteer somewhere. You won’t meet anyone if you just stay at home. But take your time. Maybe there is something holding you back that you just haven’t recognized yet. Take it from someone on the eve of 40 – having a man in your life is not the end all, be all. Be happy with you and your life first and then someone will come in to compliment what you are already doing. Don’t worry too hard about it. Make a life for yourself, first. The rest will fall in place! Good luck 🙂

  2. I am 22 and actually feel exactly the same way. I also did the exact same thing to past relationships I had (no explanations stuff) and also feel like this is my karma for all the past years.

    I am no expert about life but let me tell you something, just enjoy it. Things will come their way. Waiting for someone to come is like waiting for the water in the pot to boil. The more you spend time dwelling on the loneliness and wanting to have a fit relationship, the more you fall for total asses along the way and feel lonely .

    I’ve been single for the last two years and enjoying everything. Just have fun with life! I know the loneliness just kills and the fear of not being able to spend your future with someone just eats you up… but the more you worry about things, the less you live your life and not enjoy the simple pleasures that come along the way.

    Just have fun!

  3. J. Fabulous

    I didn’t find my special someone until I was 30. I believe there is someone for everyone and you will find yours eventually.

  4. Don’t give up on the “Hugo Boss” guys so easily if you felt that much chemistry. Relationships often require a lot of work in order to take off, as well as to maintain.

    I think you shouldn’t be afraid to fall in love, get heartbroken, or fall out of love. We all have to experience life at some point. Chances are, you will probably get hurt in the future, or hurt someone else, but live and learn right?

    You know, it’s funny because I never understood “love” until I met someone special. I’ve read about it, seen romantic TV shows and movies from time to time yet I never actually believed it was real. I thought it was an over-exaggerated concept that made no sense. I mean, I love my parents and I love my best friends, but that’s frankly not the same. I seriously never believed romantic love existed, or at least I thought I was lacking the “love gene.” Which is why I never desired love or romantic relationships. And just when I wasn’t expecting it, I met someone.

    So, I guess my advice it, don’t over think it. It will probably happen when you’re least expecting it.

  5. Hey doll,
    I wouldn’t trip at 20 you don’t want to be locked down to a guy at 21 with kids at 22(or do you?). Go out and enjoy life, like the others have said, life is too damn short not to enjoy it along the way. A guy can get in the way of your immediate goals and it is important to take into consideration that a guy and your current dreams may not align for a couple more years.

    Note: When it comes to meeting guys for a woman it’s pretty simple: Make Strong eye contact and smile, basically look as though you are inviting them over for a conversation or an “interview” as I put it. After 4-5 seconds you can look down shyly then look up again making strong eye contact. You need to be fearless in showing your initial attraction or you aren’t giving yourself enough opportunities. Most girls close themselves off and don’t give men a chance at them, then complain when they lack opportunity, give yourself more opportunity.

    Best thing I’ve ever read about dating: Men need to learn to start a conversation(to interview with the women), Women need to learn to end a conversation(when they realize they are no longer interested). So look to learn how to end more conversations then you’ll be comfortable getting in more conversations with guys who are interviewing for the position.

    Peace

    Vic

  6. 20 years old, not getting out/socializing much, feeling like time is moving WAY too fast for you, and wanting love and relationships, yet also kind of feeling afraid of opening up to another person? Wow, did you steal my life while I wasn’t looking? All that sounds very familiar!

    Being a terrible cynic (and being a rather hopeless romantic at heart) I’ve come to realize that storybook love is something many aspire to; but few, if any, attain.
    For myself, I just want someone who’ll understand me. Someone who I can talk to about anything at all, someone I just feel comfortable with.
    That “Hugo Boss” guy? I dunno if that would have worked out. The fires of passion burn brightest at the beginning, but it’s stoking the flames that’s hardest. What I mean is, you’ve got to be careful not to get caught up in a spur of the moment thing, and look for something that’ll last. Then again, you said nothing really happened, so maybe that’s what you are doing anyway. 😛

    But enough of my talk. Insights like this into someone’s innermost thoughts are rare and something to be praised. I love the blog!

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